Happy Almost Birthday

I used to joke that twenty-five was the year for quarter live crises. Now that I am quickly approaching twenty five, I thought of the "life crises" and epiphanies that have already led me to who I am today. I have never quite wrestled with or doubted the faith the way I have when I realized it is only openly accepting to those minorities that leave their cultures at the altar. Never have I become so distrusting of people, not just preachers, who preach that we were made in the image of God. Yet whose words solely speak to those who look like Michelangelo and Hollywood’s depictions. I’ve learned that while my personality has no challenges cutting ties, it does have difficulties healing and moving forward. 

I have learned that friends made in unideal circumstances are the friends who stick with you in unideal battles and lows. I have learned it makes me uneasy to have people I was once close to like or just watch my photos on IG but not care about my soul.

I have learned that being in love and being loved is the most magical thing on the planet. Also, the most frightening; as you watch men who look no different from your love, brother, father, future son lose their lives at the hands of those on paid leave for the crime. I have learned of a unique and heavy anxiety that sends my imagination running with each long ring. Ring. Visions of the news. Ring. 20 shots fired. Ring, come on babe answer. Stephen Clark. Ring. Pronounced dead. Ring. Paid leave. Ring.  All lives matter, but his. Ring. Ring. “Hey babe, work is keeping me later. Is everything good,” his voice rings like honey in my ears and I wish I were good. But, I don’t know if I will ever be as bubbly as I once was. I don’t know if I will ever rekindle old relationships. I don't think the desire is there. I don’t know if I will ever feel at ease about bringing black babies into this world, but that fear that is instilled in me with every news footage will not stop me.

I used to struggle with the idea that God was good. Powerful, complex? Clearly. But good was a word that I had my doubts about. Dad told me one day that just by being black and being here was a testament to the goodness of God. So that is the wing, I hide under. That for generations, through colonization, slavery, Civil Wars, and more, God has protected my lineage. For slavery and the Haitian Revolution, and more God has protected my love’s lineage. In that I am thankful, even when my heart grieves, as it does with every paid leave and dehumanization of minorities. As my heart is filled with furry as every white, mass shooter is humanized. At the rate it is going, I am sure to have more “life crises” and epiphanies of the world around me. I’ve learned the world is a scary place. But I’ll stay under His wing, in my close circle of humans that are genuine for the remainder of my 20s and hopefully I’ll be alright. 

(I am in between blogs currently, so sorry if the place is a mess)