Happy Almost Birthday

I used to joke that twenty-five was the year for quarter live crises. Now that I am quickly approaching twenty five, I thought of the "life crises" and epiphanies that have already led me to who I am today. I have never quite wrestled with or doubted the faith the way I have when I realized it is only openly accepting to those minorities that leave their cultures at the altar. Never have I become so distrusting of people, not just preachers, who preach that we were made in the image of God. Yet whose words solely speak to those who look like Michelangelo and Hollywood’s depictions. I’ve learned that while my personality has no challenges cutting ties, it does have difficulties healing and moving forward. 

I have learned that friends made in unideal circumstances are the friends who stick with you in unideal battles and lows. I have learned it makes me uneasy to have people I was once close to like or just watch my photos on IG but not care about my soul.

I have learned that being in love and being loved is the most magical thing on the planet. Also, the most frightening; as you watch men who look no different from your love, brother, father, future son lose their lives at the hands of those on paid leave for the crime. I have learned of a unique and heavy anxiety that sends my imagination running with each long ring. Ring. Visions of the news. Ring. 20 shots fired. Ring, come on babe answer. Stephen Clark. Ring. Pronounced dead. Ring. Paid leave. Ring.  All lives matter, but his. Ring. Ring. “Hey babe, work is keeping me later. Is everything good,” his voice rings like honey in my ears and I wish I were good. But, I don’t know if I will ever be as bubbly as I once was. I don’t know if I will ever rekindle old relationships. I don't think the desire is there. I don’t know if I will ever feel at ease about bringing black babies into this world, but that fear that is instilled in me with every news footage will not stop me.

I used to struggle with the idea that God was good. Powerful, complex? Clearly. But good was a word that I had my doubts about. Dad told me one day that just by being black and being here was a testament to the goodness of God. So that is the wing, I hide under. That for generations, through colonization, slavery, Civil Wars, and more, God has protected my lineage. For slavery and the Haitian Revolution, and more God has protected my love’s lineage. In that I am thankful, even when my heart grieves, as it does with every paid leave and dehumanization of minorities. As my heart is filled with furry as every white, mass shooter is humanized. At the rate it is going, I am sure to have more “life crises” and epiphanies of the world around me. I’ve learned the world is a scary place. But I’ll stay under His wing, in my close circle of humans that are genuine for the remainder of my 20s and hopefully I’ll be alright. 

(I am in between blogs currently, so sorry if the place is a mess)

Five, Maybe Six

I recall a very crucial moment as a child.

I grew up going to Disney several times a year. A blessing, not many people could afford. Strangely enough only a few moments stand out; crazy to think you don’t get to choose the memories that stick. 

This time it was near my birthday, I’m an Aries spring baby so I usually had the perks of spring break birthdays. My mother took me and my sister. She was a single mother of two at the time who made this trip possible a few times a year. 

We went to the huge store in, what once was, Downtown Disney. In that store there was a wall of all the princess merchandise. Dresses, shoes, crowns, etc. A little girl’s best dream and a parent’s bank account’s worst nightmare.

 

Every princess accounted for: Belle, Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Jasmine, and even the fish. They were all there on little cardboard hangers with the cartoon princess plastered to it. It was magical. Blues, yellows, pinks, and GLITTER. And my mother was here allowing me to choose just one for my birthday present, although looking back going to Disney period was more than enough.

 

At the age of about 5 or 6, I am much like I am now. Attracted to all things that glitter and scream “stereotypical femininity”. I was, and still am, a little indecisive yet impulsive. I wanted to choose correctly. I wanted to make the right decision. I wanted to be proud of such decision.

So as my sister was off avoiding the princess wall, I was hypnotized by it. I scanned and touched the dresses and their matching plastic shoe/ crown combos. Who should I pick? I originally wanted Belle. She liked books, I liked books. Mom loved yellow. But Cinderella had a castle in the park and that was cool. The fish had pretty purple and teal sequins. I liked the movie Snow White. Jasmine’s outfit was risky, the belly showed a bit. Aurora was pink, I loved pink, although I never recalled her movie.

I just couldn’t choose and my mother was providing ZERO help to my decision. It was in fact my birthday choice.

I wandered around a bit and confidently selected Belle’s golden, yellow ball gown. I was pretty thrilled and hoped my mother would let me wear it to the park. As I went to show her my final decision, a girl about my age, maybe older with her mother was eying the same gown. “Choose Belle, you look just like her!”

I remember my excitement turn to skepticism. I judged the cartoon character on the package with the girl. They were a close match. Until this moment cartoons had been just that: cartoons. They weren’t real people, but looking at this girl I saw they indeed were a match. Brown ringlets, fair skinned.

I felt a wave of mixed emotions, no 5 year old would properly be able to understand nor express. As an adult, I realize I was simply embarrassed. It never occurred to me that these dresses were designed to help you look more like the princess. A princess I could never look like. 

My skin was blacker than it would ever be white. My hair did not flow down my back, although it curled, the curls were tighter and more tamed into individual plats. If it was let loose it would result in a painful detangling session.

I couldn’t be Belle, I actually couldn’t resemble any of these magical Princesses. Yet as I scanned the packed out Disney store, I was the only one who seemed to have that issue. Blonde girls had their picks between Aurora and Cinderella. Hispanic girls would even gravitate towards Jasmine, because of her dark hair and tanned skin. Even girls with pretty “orange” hair (as I remember thinking of it as) looked more like the fish princess. 

I felt a feeling I only dream of protecting my daughters from someday. I was embarrassed and ashamed, not because of something I did. I was embarrassed because of the color of my skin, the way my hair was, I was embarrassed that I didn’t look like a princess. Even worse, I felt like it did not matter if it was my birthday or not, I did not deserve that dress. Only girls that looked like princesses, consequently white girls or fair skinned girls, got to be princesses. I simply did not make the cut and I was embarrassed to say the least. 

My mother came to me, asking if I finally made a decision. She noticed the yellow ball gown I was clutching, “you love Belle, books, and you look so pretty in yellow, I think that’s a good one.”

But no matter what words she said, I knew that I would never look like all of girls who looked like real mini princesses. That gown would not look the same on me as it did on the brown haired girl; in the way it should.

So I opted out, I no longer wanted the dress. I picked a Lion King, spinning, light up, parade toy and a Minnie Mouse spray bottle with an automatic fan. As I left the store with my fun souvenirs that would break after a few months, I also left with something that lasted longer than it should. A not so magical memory: girls that were too dark weren’t to be princesses by Disney’s standards. I would later notice, that we were not to be princesses, fairies, and beyond in many other spaces either. Not in books, movies, Disney, or any place else.

So I moved on. Dress up wasn’t as fun anymore. I gravitated towards movies where animals were the stars. No need for people. Where there was no black or white. No blonde hair and pale skin. 

The lack of representation pushed me out of a sweet stage of life and into beginning of an insecurity. I hated my darker skin and thick curls. After all, it was the prime thing that separated me from being a princess. To me a princess was the holy grail of 5 year old femininity. It was a club that I was not allowed in purely based on the color of my skin. 

*This post is not sponsored by Disney. All thoughts are my own.

Oh, Universe.

"the universe has a funny way of bringing things together.."

I hear things like that all the time. Whether in a suggested pin or in a yoga class.
It's odd. This universe.
Yet I have grown accustomed to what someone means when they say it. They believe in a higher being, yet refuse to utter His name. Because for them, that makes more sense. The universe working things out on your behalf. Being on your side. Bringing justice. Having a plan for you.
I've said it so many times just from hearing it without even noticing. I verbally speak the creation, while actually meaning it's creator. Or thinking that's what I meant.

The other day, while on a walk with my mother.

I excitedly expressed: "I did it! I made my list*!"
I received an initial that's-good-for-you-look, because she knows from having 3 daughters that NO form of response equals a you're not listening or even care battle that is more struggle than it is even worth.
"No mom! You don't understand. I made my list, the universe now knows that. I am in a better position for Prince Charming to come. The universe knows that I know what I want and is more likely to bring it."
Skeptical stare from my mom.
Insert slight eye-roll from me "and by the universe I mean The Lord mom!!"

Because surely that's how it works: I tell the God of the universe what I want. And He sends it with free two day shipping as if He is a glorified version Amazon Prime that delivers stellar boyfriends. Because that is what I want. And He (just like the universe) seem to be employees of mine. WRONG!

Oh how easy it was for me to apply the rules of the universe to my God in order to benefit me. How wrong I was. Because the reality is we use the term "universe" to hopefully get all the benefits of His glory without a pinch of His lordship. Quite frankly, I NEED His lordship, more than I want the universe to hand me my perfect ideals.

I'm not bashing my list. It's pretty wonderful and poetic. I even know The Lord knew those deep desires of my heart before I even wrote them on paper. I'll thank the Lord God almighty one day for sending me that man because I know nothing on that list will go unnoticed. But I do recognize ways I try to work things out for my good. I try to be my own pretend god and rearrange the "universe" to put me in a more comfortable season.

I do believe that God will one day place me in my "ideal" season, but I also recognize there are some things I could learn right here in this one. I believe even further that I will not move on to the next season until I learn how to handle the one I am in with grace, fully dependent on God of the universe. Not my universal ideals. That I would treat the creator just as so and not reduce him down to a manipulable creation. The irony that the Lord and the universe would have the same sense of humor ;)
 
While in this season I figured I would pick up a book on such topics. Loving My Actual Life: An Experiment In Relishing What's Right In Front Of Me. My goal is to keep you posted along the way of my journey in this experiment and even do a closing book review. (Please note that I do not achieve all my goals sometimes but my intentions are good. AKA it might not happen, but I'll try.)


*You know the magical list most girls make of what they want in a guy so then they don't forget when faced with a dreamsicle that is a jerk! The same list I consider to be a summoning of princes. Kinda like a magnet.

What Heck Happened?

I genuinely don't know how I ended up here. Actually that's not fully true, looking back along my life timeline would show no shocking surprise that I would be where I'm headed today.

Where is that exactly? Oh, goodness! I'm sorry. I make it seem like I've picked up a new illegal habit or formed some crazy wild addiction.

Lately I've been making a steady (sometimes very sloooowwww) progression towards mindful living. What is mindful living, you might be thinking. Mindfulness is defined as moment-by-moment awareness of thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment, characterized mainly by "acceptance" - attention to thoughts and feelings without judging whether they are right or wrong (by wikapedia- but defined none the less). 

To me mindfulness is just that and so much more. It's taking in life all around me recognizing its sensations (sorry I've been a yogi this year and sensations is a pretty common word in the community). Acknowledging different seasons, emotions, and surroundings and embracing them- even if I don't fully enjoy it. Living life with an awareness of God, myself, others around me, and nature and respecting and honoring each of those.

So how did I get here, what the heck happened?! It began with me learning about animal testing. Originally, if we're fully honest, it was half for the animals half so direct sales make-up ladies would leave me alone. (Sorry if you are a direct sales make-up lady! I'm sure you're a fab person! I just don't want any of the product.) I vowed to avoid products testing on sweet little critters. The more I looked into it and just avoided those products the more it made sense to me. I mean, why test on animals? The obvious! To make sure that a product is safe for human use. But if you HAVE to test on a bunny friend to insure it's safe for a human then what EXACTLY is in this product? I can tell you usually it is lots of chemicals and the ingredients are not natural and safe for the body. That one decision- that I thought was minute, saving me time, money, and awkward encounters turned into something far bigger in my life.

It turned into me realizing I'm worth taking care of myself in every way. From that moment to now I've drawn closer to God. Who I had been avoiding, because He is a big God and there's a lot of stuff going on in the world and my life is not THAT bad and the things I'm dealing are not THAT important in the grand scheme of things. Which of course in the way that the devil plays the field have some truth in them. He is a big God, there are more important things in the world. But he is a big God and I know he's got things covered because he can handle more than one issue at a time. I'm also one of those important things to him. And to think anything else would be to diminish His greatness. I started attending yoga at a local studio, fully fell in love from the moment my instructor blew my mind by reading The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It was relaxing, no anxiety I usually get from working out. Just me, my mat, and a wonderful journey that goes beyond a class. I got a library card and began reading things beyond Facebook rants (mainly because I deleted my FB), more than 140 characters, and without pictures.

Now, I will tell you I am no expert on mindful living. But, I am sprouting into it. So there are still some things I'm learning, figuring out and growing in. But my goal is to be fully aware of the life I'm living. To be able to pass down good a mindful inheritance to my future family in the way we live. To not say I'm for justice all while supporting unethical companies. This is a journey, kinda like a long hike instead of a quick road trip. It's being healthier and more mindful about the things I put in, on, and around my body.

And I guess I can say, looking back on my life, I should have seen this coming (I know God surely did). This is the same girl whose favorite Seuss book was The Lorax as a small child. The same girl who created a silent environmental statement in a church conference project by making jellyfish decor out of plastic bags. Who loved animals enough to spend a summer as a vegetarian in the 6th grade (actually I think that a lot of girls go through that phase. So maybe I wasn't doing anything brand new. But you get the point!) My whole life I've been drawn towards wanting to do things a bit more natural and making a stand. I know that one person can't fully make a difference in the world. Honestly that's not even my goal. My goal is that by me living mindfully- not just bulldozing through live without a care- it will have a positive impact on the quality of life of my future family (and maybe anyone reading this.) That they won't have to live in the consequences of my reckless life, but that they can benefit from mindfulness. And I'm not gonna be a pro at this, but the goal wasn't to be a pro so that is okay. 

It's hard to look at the negatives of the things we've come to love in our society. Whether that be our MAC makeup, bottled water, or Cheetos. But one thing I do believe is what you don't know, WILL hurt you- maybe even kill you before you realize it. A lot of these things we love are like a backstabbing frienemy. So loving towards you in the start, but quietly working behind the scenes towards your demise.

So Sprout. Bloom. Flourish. Is taking another detour. Because this is a lifestyle blog based on my life, and my life has recently detoured and this blog is coming with it. Life has crazy winding twist and turns and different seasons of life and with that being said my voice as a blogger doesn't like the same as it did a few years ago because I'm not the same and that's okay. I originally said in my very first post, "Sprout Bloom Flourish is my life's perspective on finding the beautiful balance in cultivating all of life's seasons." And my life perspective in this season is different to that in 2014. 

I am working towards living mindfully, naturally, and authentically. My goal is not to be a stickler about it but find a grove in which I can live without straining myself. To find a place where the lifestyle is sustainable for me. I recognize what is doable for me isn't doable for someone else and same for people who are further along than me. I welcome you to join if you want, no pressure. I will be posting all sorts of things on my journey. They are not made to offend you where you are, just to bring some ideas (that you may take or leave- the same as I do with ideas) towards healthier, mindful, natural, authentic living.

Girl Behind The Blog

 I'm back! 

For those of you who are new here I've been on a bloggers sabbatical.

Why? The infamous burnout. Blogging for deadlines, not passions. An overdose of comparison. A mixture of writers block and a creative depression. It's terrible! I know, I know! Consistency is key in the blogger world, but how do you blog when you have no passion to and it feels like a "have-to"? In my case; you just don't. Well I mean I could have but I feel like the lack of passion was becoming obvious.

But after a rough spring and a refreshing summer I am back! One of my favorite writers F. Scott Fitzgerald says, "Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." Which is exactly what is happening over here. SBF (Sprout. Bloom. Flourish.) is getting a new l i f e (insert the dramatics), new style, and new perspective.

With all of that being said, who is the girl behind the blog?

I'm Victoria or V (and if you've known me for too long it's this "Tori" nonsense! I don't like it, but try telling your momma that gave birth to your 9 lb self, that she can't call you whatever she has been calling you for the past 20 something years of your life. Even though I do make special request that everyone else calls me Victoria, and that's how I'm introduced. Sweet, sweet compromise.)

I put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ and the power of the cross. I have a serious love for all things Disney and magical. Or as I would like to say, I just operate on The Gospel & Pixie Dust.

There are few things I can't resist: Saturday adventures, farmers market flowers, a colorful Disney movie, avocados, laughing until I can't breathe, game nights, sweet tea, naps, pretty things, dancing in kitchens, planning things WAYY too far in advance (I mean I've been planning my wedding since I was in the 6th grade. Spending my allowance on Martha Steward Wedding Magazines and scaring away all the middle school boys), brunch, good books, even better music, Found sodas, stalking my favorite bloggers, French films, Netflix binges, WEDDINGS, and buying too many black and white (or white and black) striped articles of clothing.

Currently I live in the Gulf Coast with my miniature standard (there is nothing miniature about a 60 pound furbaby) schnauzer Elephant. Yes! Her name really is Elephant! It's summer 9 months out of the year here.

I'm overjoyed that you decided to drop by, but I don't think I could ever fully let you know who I was in a short post, in fact it is exhausting to try. Hopefully if you stick around you'll get glimpses of me in each post.

Also I would love to get to know you as a reader . I've met so many wonderful friends through the world wide web and I would be over the moon excited if you became one of those! So feel free to comment, email, ask questions, be kind, ect, ect

P.S: Photos taken by my ultra talented brother in-law RayNeutron! He makes creative magic, so if you're ever in the LA area, or not (he travels) give him a shout. Legend has it, he is still shooting for dried mangoes. (instagram)